Thursday, October 30, 2014
When a man of questionable character’s corpse is found at The Cottages, beaten to death with Madison’s own gardening tools, it’s up to her and her partner, Fab to answer one question: Who is responsible for getting their Revenge in Paradise?
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Dog Takes Shoe, Eyes Homework Next
If there's one thing a dog loves more than chasing its tail, it's expensive shoes. I don't like to generalize, but now every time I come across a dog, all I can see is a fur ball capable of getting away with anything they please. Those happy-go-lucky smiles and undying love and attention are merely masks to hide their true, evil intentions. As I got ready for a dinner party I made sure to look my absolute best, and what better time to show off my brand new shoes? When we walked inside the house, the host's dog came by and licked my shoes. I thought nothing of it, I mean sure it was a bit weird...there are plenty of delicious things to lick and I never thought that my pumps fell into that category. But now I realized the one thing that those shoes were missing was some old fashioned dog slobber. After shooing the dog away, I can now clearly remember a point where my eyes met the dog's, a moment as if to say, “I'm not done yet.”
Later, under the dinner table, the dog was back at it and licking again. It tickled a bit but I didn't want to cause a scene. After the tickling stopped and I was able to put my feet down, I realized something was missing, and not just the dog. By the time, I saw the dog carrying a shoe worth more than anything he's ever put it in his mouth before combined, it was too late. He was gone, and I was stuck plotting my revenge. I was offered another pair by the host, but nothing matched, and I'd rather have one shoe that matches than 2 that don't. It's not crazy, it's called having a sense of style. Don't be jealous just because you don't understand. It seems that dogs constantly wish to live in the world of man, wanting nothing more than the love of their owners, and to serve them. But honestly, who serves who? We like to believe that we call the shots, and yet they seem to live in a world separate from ours. If I were to run across the room, take your shoe in my mouth and run like there was no tomorrow, you wouldn't just scold me with a “Bad human!” and carry on like nothing ever happened. But now, as I sit here with only one of the two shoes I came with, I can't help but think that buying the squirrel designed pumps wasn't my best fashion choice.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
One day, bored from being at home all day watching MTV with her weirdo owners, Mr. and Mrs. Gritty. Harlot the cat snuck out and went sneaking around the neighborhood. She had grown tired of being treated as if she were a kitten that needed them to tend to her every need.
That day she met the most beautiful tomcat she had ever seen, Mr. Trojan, who was completely white with bright blue eyes. They immediately began a friendship, talking and sneaking off from their owners just to see one another. You know how it was with young cats in those days—they played fast and loose with their morals. Harlot and Trojan’s relationship rapidly developed into more than a “just friends” situation, and before long she had the same kind of relationship with Mr. Trojan that she had with some of his other friends that lived close by.
One night the two got a little carried away, meowing, growling, chasing after each other. Soon, one thing led to another and howling ricocheted through the neighborhood.
The following month Harlot wasn't feeling so well. She lay around filling her time watching TV with her strange owners, only perking up a little for canned tuna. This behavior continued for a few weeks before either Mr. or Mrs. Gritty said anything. Finally, concerned that her lethargy had become something more serious, the Grittys took her to the vet.
At the vet's office the doctor delivered the news: the Grittys were going to be grandparents. Initially, they were excited, but then it hit them what their precious cat had done. Later on that day, they sat her down and asked how this could have happened?
"I couldn’t help myself, let's face it, I’m just a slut at heart,” was her response. “You guys raised me correctly; I just watched too much MTV and learned a lot from those reality shows. I wanted to experience cat love. Mom and Dad, aren't you excited?"
At that, they up and left the room, leaving poor Harlot all alone. They came back later and asked
"Which cat is the father?"
Harlot indicated that she had no idea which of the cats she’d been pouncing on was the father. She hadn’t given it much thought until now; she wasn’t the brightest cat in the neighborhood.
Lost, lonely, and confused, Harlot didn't know what to do. Her owners were not speaking to her, so she couldn't talk to them. The only one she really wanted to talk to was Mr. Trojan. She found him sitting on his front lawn, claiming to be "getting his tan on" to make his shiny coat darker and wanted to know what she needed from him. He acted as though she were an inconvenience. She told him that she was pregnant but couldn’t be sure if he or one of his other friends were the father. He seemed not to care a lick. Desperate to seem indifferent, she She then told him she didn’t need him, and that she didn’t want him to be in her kittens' lives––even if he was the father.
"But you’re gonna pay kitten support!” she mewed.
She pranced the whole way home, full of fury and anger toward him, for the simple fact he ended up not giving a second thought to her or how this would affect her life at all. She had really thought he cared. When she got home that day, her owners ran over and scooped her up and they all sat down to watch "World’s Funniest Cats Caught on Tape” and “Teen Mom 3".
The forgiveness had begun.
A few days had passed since her encounter with Mr. Trojan. She thought about him constantly and each time she did, she just grew angrier about how he had handled everything. Exactly one week after that, she felt strange—much stranger than she had during her entire pregnancy. From outside where she lay on a beach chair, Harlot "MEOWWWWWWWED" at the top of her lungs so Mrs. Gritty could hear her all the way in the living room. It was time for the kittens’ arrival and they refused to wait any longer.
One hour later, Mrs. Gritty successfully helped Harlot deliver 5 baby kitties. Two looked exactly like Harlot, one a Calico cat, but the other two were solid white with beautiful blue eyes; the spitting image of their father.
Harlot slept after delivering the kitties who were curled up against her. A little while later she woke up, glanced around, and thought, "I have the most beautiful kitties in the whole wide world," and was secretly happy that, although things didn’t work out, Mr. Trojan was their father.
After she recovered and the kitties were old enough, she made the decision to let them meet their father. She went looking all day, with the kitties by her side, to find him. But it seemed that he’d run away from home. She thought maybe she had scared him off because she hadn’t seen him since that day that she told him that she was pregnant and he could be the father. She knew she would have to do this on her own...well, with the occasional help of those weirdos she called her owners.
The only consolation was that MTV contacted her to be on an upcoming new show called “Teen Mama Cat.” They were going to be stars.
Monday, April 21, 2014
1. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality?
I love a cute full skirt, with pockets to go with my wedge flops.
2. If you had to enter a competition for the "Most Uselessly Unique Talent," what would your talent be?
I can spit gum across two lanes of a highway.
3. What is the best/worst pick up line you have ever heard?
Are you a real redhead?
4. What is your favorite sport, and which team of that sport do you cheer for?
NASCAR! Which shocks my family. My favorite driver is Dale Jr.
5. Which would you rather have a kiss or a hug?
A kiss. Long, slow, thorough, and satisfying.
6. If you could only have one thing on a deserted island what would it be?
My Kindle Fire because I’d never run out of books.
7. What was the most embarrassing thing you have done while on a date?
Threw up! On a first date no less. And yes he asked me out again.
8. You are planning the most awesome dinner party of your life. Which 3 celebrities/historical figures (past or present) would you add to your guest list?
9. What's the most outrageous thing you did as kid and got away with it?
One Sunday morning, I got up early and redistributed all the Times newspaper to the neighbors that didn’t subscribe.
10. What was your favorite outdoor activity as a kid?
I loved being outside. My bike ~ it gave me the freedom to go where I wanted.